How to Get a Man

A whisper on the breeze tells me a certain lady, well known around these parts, has been seeking advice on how to get a man. To say I’m surprised don’t begin to say it. It’s a crying shame, that’s what it is. A fine woman like her ought to have plenty of pickers. Hell, I’d pay her a visit myself if I were the rapscallion some folks make me out to be, but I’m practically a one woman man these days. Besides, she ain’t that kind of woman and there’d be hell to pay if Housty found out.

The first thing a lady needs to know is why she wants a man in the first place. If she needs someone to chop firewood, there’s no sense in waiting for Henry Handsome to come along. Ain’t no use shivering her life away, if some big ugly skunk is happy to chop wood for nothing but a friendly word and a cup of coffee. Course I can’t be held accountable if the aforementioned big ugly skunk were to come knocking at the door a day later with a big soppy smile and a huge bunch of flowers.

Any woman can get a man, and that’s a fact. There’s plenty men out there to choose from; all born beautiful, all born liars, yet few are smart enough to realize that two thousand years of evolution has honed a woman’s ability to detect a whopper. It’s an advantage ladies have, so be sure to use it. And for you ladies that get fretful about being a little on the large side, let me tell you; it ain’t your fault nature made you a little short of the right height for your weight. Anyhow, some of us like a sturdy built woman, so have the confidence to use what you got. If you can wiggle and jiggle in the right places, men are inclined to overlook the saddlebags elsewhere.

As for ways of catching a man, a woman’s only got to walk into a bar to raise male interest. How she plays it then is up to her. With the power to do whatever she wants she can lure her prey with a smile, or she can get straight down to business. Lifting her skirts and yelling come and get it boys is about as direct as it gets. Romantic it ain’t, but it’s a sure fire way of getting acquainted with the pick of the house. Just mind you don’t get killed in the stampede.

Course respectable ladies are more refined. They need to love and be loved; they need romance. Grunting and squelching under the blanket is fine, but it ain’t the half of it. A gentle kiss on the cheek when she’s falling asleep means an awful lot to a woman. So does the glow she feels when a warm blanket is tugged over her shoulder on a chilly night. Likewise the security she feels when she wakes in the morning in the arms of her man. Besides telling her she’s cared for and protected, it tells a woman she’s loved and for all their peskiness, I reckon it’s something every woman deserves.

If I could say just one thing to the lady that raised the question, I’d say this; smile and be proud of the woman you are, because the woman you are is the woman some lucky fella’s gonna meet and fall in love with someday. He’s out there somewhere. He just don’t know it yet.