The Divine Miss JJ

I was resting on the porch when a visitor came by yesterday.

‘Anybody home?’

‘Depends who’s asking, if it’s the law, no.’

‘You were snoring. What were you dreaming of Cowboy… a couple of wildcats?’

‘A couple of whores maybe, they purr just the same.’

‘I’ve been known to purr, but I’d rather have a bit of respect first.’

‘Quite right too, Miss JJ. A lady’s entitled to respect. My Daddy taught me that. He said; Son, always treat a lady with respect. Mind your manners, tip your hat and if she raises your expectations, take your socks off first and be sure to thank her after breakfast.’

‘Thanks for that insight, Cowboy, but I wanna thank you long before breakfast! You see, when a gal don’t do mornings, she don’t do breakfast either, unless someone else is cooking!’

Lord my sinful mind. When a gal says she wants to thank you long before breakfast, what’s a man supposed to think? I might have said some mean things about Miss JJ in the past but when I sat up and saw her face aglow in bright sunshine, a funny feeling came over me. She looked like the most beautiful woman in the world. Well, whatever else she said went right over my head. I ain’t even sure why she stopped by. I just kept hearing those words over and over… I wanna thank you long before breakfast.
 
And then she left, leaving me all stirred up and fuzzy inside. I put it down to hunger pains, delirium maybe. Since I still had the symptoms this morning, I decided to pay her a visit.

Sure seemed strange to be heading out to Miss JJ’s place. Never had reason to before, but she’d practically invited me and though I never thought I’d see the day, I liked the idea of us getting better acquainted. Some things are meant to be, I figured, when I saw wild flowers growing in the pasture. I just had to stop and pick some. Ladies appreciate thoughtfulness in a man, and little romance could only help if I was gonna have Miss JJ squealing before breakfast. 

Well, I made it to the wood beyond the creek easy enough, but then I got lost and confused. I knew Miss JJ lived somewhere in those parts, somewhere on high, to hear her talk; only there was no high ground to be seen. I was about ready to double back and head on home when…

‘Looking for something, Cowboy?’

‘Miss JJ, is that you? Where are you?’

‘Up here!’

Glory be, she was up in a tree.

‘Miss JJ? What are you doing up there?’

‘Reaching for a shotgun. What’re you doing mooching around here?’

‘Well, I was feeling lonesome, being alone on my birthday and all, and with you being so kind hearted, I thought…’

‘Another birthday? That’s three already this year.’

‘It is? Well today’s my real one, swear to God.’

‘Hmm, and you thought you’d take advantage of my good nature? Shameless, that’s what you are.’

‘Makes two of us then, don’t it; only I ain’t so prissy about it. It’s a sorry day if a man can’t call upon an old friend without being tarred with suspicion and… ’

‘Alright, come on up. I’ve just made some coffee.’

‘Huh! I ain’t sure I should lower myself.’

‘Choice is yours, Cowboy. This is as near to Heaven as you’re ever gonna get.’

‘You don’t expect me to climb up there? Ain’t you got a rope?’

‘What’s the matter… afraid of heights?’

So I climbed the danged tree. Too bad I dropped the flowers but there were more important things to worry about; like falling and breaking my neck. Twixt looking for a foothold I planned my seduction strategy. I’d have to pick my words real careful if I was gonna get a bite to eat and have my way with Miss JJ, and fixing her with my best smile and thanking her graciously seemed a good way to start when she gave me a cup of coffee.

‘Is it really your birthday?’

‘Yeah, though it sure don’t seem like it. Other people get cake and kindness on their birthdays. Me, I get a big slice of nothing and a whole heap of distrust.’

‘Well, you’re out of luck with the cake but as it’s your birthday, you can have something special. Pucker up, Cowboy. And no peeping!’

So far so good, I thought, even if I was a mite nervous. Last time I puckered my lips and closed my eyes for Miss JJ, she slapped my face.

‘You're peeping!’

‘Damned right I am; I ain’t forgotten last time. Come on; give me my something special while I got the patience.’

‘Not until you close your eyes!’

‘Alright, they’re closed!’

Oh my, what a kiss. Miss JJ’s lips, all soft and warm, had me all a tingle.

‘Didn’t see that coming did you?’

‘I guess not… not with my eyes closed. Darn, Miss JJ, that was some kiss; I’ve gone all fuzzy inside. I guess I ain’t used to getting kissed by a mouth that size. I mean… I never kissed lips so sweet and inviting.’

‘Do you really mean that?’

‘Sure I do. Want me to take my boots off now, or shall I wait till we’ve had something to eat?’

‘Boots off? Eat?’

‘We can eat first, I don’t mind. Might be better if we do, I might get sick if I hump you on an empty stomach.’

Well, next thing I knew I was nursing a sore jaw and getting hustled out of a door on the other side of the house. Lucky for me there were some steps out there.

‘Out!’

‘But…’

‘You’re not the first to try it on for a quick thrill. Off you go, Valance.’

‘Quick thrill? I wasn't planning on going anywhere till after breakfast. You got me wrong Miss JJ. I wanted this to be something special for you… I even brought you some flowers. I was gonna stoke your fires and make you feel like a woman... take you to places you'd never been before... places you never imagined. Then I was gonna cradle you in my arms as we fell asleep. And that's what hurts most, 'cause that was my one chance of ever seeing you with your mouth shut!’

Then the door slammed.

Danged woman.

With thanks to JJ Cocker