The Late Mister V

One year later

Aunt Mabel said: You’re home now Levitt. I brought you home, just like I promised. I was there when you were born. I was there when you died. Seems I was always there, like the first time you cried. When your Pa put whiskey in your milk to settle you down, it was me who rocked you to sleep. When you spoke your first words and your Ma scolded you for telling lies, it was me you came running to. And when you got sent home from Sunday school for doing things little boys ain’t supposed to do in front of little girls, it was me who straightened things out. I guess they didn’t understand you like I did, Levitt. You had a good heart, I know that. You just didn’t know how to stay out of trouble.

In death, as in life, here lies Levitt. Please take care of him, Lord. He never was one for praying, and he didn’t always walk a straight line, but he was a good man who knew right from wrong. He just got them mixed up sometimes. If ever you need someone to roll your cigarettes, or someone to lend a hand with the soup, there’s nobody better. Take care of him Lord; please take care of him. Amen. *sniff*

Ain’t fooled, huh? Alright, it’s me, but don’t tell anyone, you hear? Ain’t sure if I’m safe around round here yet, so I’m staying in disguise till I’ve seen the sheriff. And I don’t need telling that my ass looks big in this frock. Ain’t any wonder, since I borrowed it from Miss JJ. My, was her face a picture when I asked her to take it off. It happened this morning when I ran into her by the creek…

 ‘Valance! I thought you’d gone for good. I didn’t think I’d ever say this but welcome back.’

‘Thanks Miss JJ, it’s good to see you. Now take your frock off, I need a favor.’

‘I don’t do that kind of favor, Cowboy. Anyway, it ain’t your size!’ 

‘Don’t worry about that, I’ll put some padding on my ass. Now c’mon, every second counts.’ 

‘I ain’t parting with me frock for the likes of you. Anyways, what the hell do you want it for?’

‘The likes of me, huh? Well ain't that nice. You’re happy to welcome back the likes of me but when the likes of me need a favor, as a matter of life and death, the likes of me get turned down. If I wasn't in danger I wouldn't ask, but never mind, I guess the likes of me don't deserve friends they can count on.’

‘Alright Cowboy! You really know how to twist a gal round yer diddy dimples. Turn around... and no peeping!’ 

‘Bless you Pard, I knew I could count on you. I'll let you have it back as soon as I can, promise. Okay, I'm turned around.’

‘Yeah, yeah... next week, next month, next lifetime, more like. Just pass me yer bandana so I can cover my essentials.’ 

‘It'll take more than a bandana to cover those. Here, put my shirt and pants on. They’ll be fine if you roll the legs up. Hmm, your ass don't look so big in fresh air.’

‘Ooooooh, and here’s me doing yer a favor an’ all! Now back off before I knock yer peeping pinkies.’ 

Hell that Miss JJ, she sure put a smile on my face. Course I feel a mite guilty about letting her wander off in my clothes. Any fool can see she ain’t me, but from a distance… well, I just hope nobody takes a shot at her.

With thanks to JJ Cocker for her large part in this